Joe's impending departure has opened a floodgate of thoughts about many things, and as people have asked me what I'm going to do when he's gone, I've been inclined to respond, "Why, live at the farm like I did all those years when he wasn't here! Why would his not being here change anything for me?????"
But....in all truthfulness, I have also asked myself the same question I've heard from so many lately....What, indeed, does the future hold for the Farm Mom?????
You see, retirement's more than just a word in my vocabulary now....Gone are the days when I would hear myself tell others that I had about 20.....15..... 10 years to go until I retired....The bottom line is that I'm coming down the home stretch, and hopefully, the economy, enrollment issues, budgetary matters, and burnout won't make it such that I have to leave before I can complete 37 years of service to OH.....that's four years from now.
I need (and want) to work those next four years, so I have the best base salary for retirement....Additionally, Eliza will have finished college by then, and Samuel should be well on his way to defining his career path....
As much as I LOVE keeping up with the farm, there's much more to it than mowing and tackling a weed population whose growth in all kinds of climate weirdness never ceases to amaze me. There are things like a barn that's falling down (literally), fields that have to be brush-hogged and manicured, an aging tractor that could expire at any moment, and invasive species that are taking over in the front field. Couple the demands of farm maintenance with a mediocre salary that just barely allows for monthly expenses to be met, and thoughts of change have started wafting through my mind....during the night, during the day - basically all the time. What AM I going to do?
Thankfully, I have options, but the big questions still loom: What is the best thing for me to do with The Farm? Should I sell off some land and keep the farm house and yard? When's going to be the best time to do that in an economy that sucks? If I decide to leave The Farm, should I stay in this area? Should I take a look at moving somewhere else (North Carolina, perhaps? New Mexico? Cuba?)? What will I do? (International housesitting comes to mind. Maybe by then there will be opportunity to work in Cuba for a part of the year..?? Peace Corps...??? )
YIKES ! I'm having a bit of a challenge surrendering to the Universe since so many scenarios play out in my mind. At the same time I feel excited and energized about myriad possibilities, I'm a bit unnerved ...Can I maintain my sanity if I leave The Farm.....my true place of peace and refuge. I have generations of flowers here....I can't imagine not having coffee on the deck with the barn swallows and hummingbirds zooming about. How could I leave a place that is so chocked full of the memories of the last 31 years... of the laughter, fun, love, sweat and tears that have defined my life here.....The Farm is, for me, as sacred a place as one can find. It is my HOME....
I can feel the emotional pull and tug now as I write.....a sensation of wanting to hang on and not let go vrs. the excitement and adventure of the future....of fear of the unknown vrs. the thrill of new experiences.....It's daunting, and it's exhilarating.....and YIKES again !
Thankfully, I don't have to do much more than contemplate and explore ideas at this point.......slow and steady will win the "figuring it out" race for me.....I don't know that I am capable of moving fast on the questions I hear from without and within....
So, at this very moment, I think I'll take the Scarlett O'Hara approach, and I think I'll think about my flowers.......
Here's a sample of Farm orchids in bloom now.
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