SATURDAY, JUNE 10, 2006
I've spent the day alone here at the farm, raking the grass that I've mowed for the past few days into big piles, loading it into the tractor cart, and mulching it in on the vegetable beds to stave off the inevitable weeds that will appear while I'm away in San Antonio. The drone of the tractor and the silence of the afternoon have given me ample time to make my mental list of a few more things I want to get done before I take off. Actually, with the exception of one or two minor things, I'm pretty well prepared.
This past week was one which brought up some pain and anger associated with my divorce, and I think my disgust with myself is that I still get caught up in those emotions five years after my ex-husband moved away. In the most acute moments, I must confess that I don't readily access forgiveness or compassion for the man I knew and was married to for over 25 years, but when I am able to define what the anger and pains masks, I know it is simply sadness that the two of us just couldn't find common ground upon which to rebuild a relationship that in its best days was very, very good (at least, I think so)... sadness that we have no connection or communication whatsoever (again, the pain for me is huge)... sadness for two amazing children whose memories of our days as a foursome are fading... ....most of all, sadness that a love that was once strong and beautiful got totally lost along the way. I own my part in the saga of our inability to work things out; I also know there were many things beyond my control that contributed to its ending. I console myself with my steadfast belief that there are no accidents in the Universe, and that the Universe always looks after me; consequently, I know life has unfolded and continues to do so in my highest best interest. As I constantly remind myself of that notion, I feel less vulnerable and fragile, stronger and accepting. Who knows what goodness / adventures the future holds?? :0)
On a happier and more spirited note, Tom J. and Tom S. came out for dinner tonight, and we created a gourmet delight --broiled portabella mushrooms covered with veggies and then topped with a salmon / rice / garlic / cucumber paté-type thing with melted cheese on the top. And, for the third time this week, we had fresh steamed broccoli straight from the garden. I do believe it was the best meal in town this evening.
Also, I leave for San Antonio tomorrow and will be gone over a week. It'll be good to "get out of Dodge" and hang out with my latino friends while we grade tens of thousands of AP exams. ... no English spoken for a week, really good food, trips to the mercado, a stroll down the Riverwalk, and some good authentic margaritas.
Summer solstice is 11 days away....I'm percolating what it is that I will want to conjure up that day!
Chao and Namasté
PS: Mary Ann, I've been thinking about your getaway a LOT! Hope it was GRREEATTT !!